I was mad at my husband a few days ago, and I don't even remember why. I guess that's my lupus brain fog. I was short with him the whole day, but at the end of it he brought me flowers.
Lupus has changed the dynamics of our marriage. I had always been the nurturer and the caretaker sort. My husband, Geoff, isn't really a nurturer. He's logical and reasonable. He discusses theories and reasons. He doesn't kiss scrapes or make soup when someone is ill. That was my job. I once had a friend say something to the effect of, "You and Geoff will be happy for the rest of your lives as long as he thinks he's the most important person in the world and you agree." And we were happy for a long while like that until lupus hit.
When I'm sick, I want to be nurtured. I want my husband to do things to help me feel better. Geoff had the hardest time seeing the logic in that. He didn't understand how having soup in a special bowl was any different from soup in any other bowl, or why I needed lemon cookies from the Farmer's Market. He never bought me flowers. Flowers were a waste of good money, but now he sees that if it's something that makes me smile, it's not a waste of money. He's changed quite a bit.
I think the reason that we manage at this point is that we both acknowledge that my having lupus isn't easy for the other. He knows that it isn't easy for me to be tired and in pain, and I know that my being this way isn't easy for him. Because of this, we try to give each other the benefit of the doubt when we're upset with each other. Or I just plain forget why I'm upset and we move on.