Wear Something that Makes You Smile

Okay, I should start off by saying that this blog entry may lack focus because I'm tired, and my thoughts are everywhere today.  This is what usually happens when I'm in a flare because I get a little anxious when I'm in a flare.

I feel miserable.  I've been pretty much fighting back the flare for weeks now, and I should learn to slow down, but who can slow down?  Monday I missed the Dodgers' home opener.  I wasn't the happiest person when I found out that Orlando Hudson hit the cycle.  Oh well, I suspect that the Dodgers will have many more momentous experiences this year, so I won't cry over the first ever occurrence in Dodger Stadium history.

I went into work on Tuesday, but I wasn't feeling too peachy.  Then Wednesday I felt worse, but I got up, and I put on my make-up.  Make-up is something I rarely do, but my skin wasn't looking to great.  It's just peeling off in flakes on my face, hands, and feet.  At some point during my morning, Geoff starts following me around because I'm moving slowly and he wants to get to work.  He doesn't say anything.  Just follows me.  I have to say, it stressed me out a bit.  He was probably frustrated that I was taking time to put on make-up.  Something he finds completely unnecessary.

We get out of the apartment and start to walk to the car.  Pain shoots all through my body.  From my toes to my knees to my shoulder to my head.  Geoff asks me why I'm walking slowly.  I tell him because I'm in pain.  (I love my husband, but sometimes he acts like we just met.)  We get into the car, and we barely make it out of the driveway before I get nauseous and start heaving.  He had to turn around and bring me home.  He helped me settle down on the sofa.  I felt so bad because I knew he had a meeting.  I feel like such a pain sometimes.

There have been moments this week where the pain is curl up in a ball debilitating.  I spoke to my doctor and she said to take pain meds and rest.  If it's not better by tomorrow, she said to call her and I'll go in for a steroids shot.  I really hate the pain.  There have been points where I just wished I could die and get it all over with, but then I think of my mother.  My mother died of cancer when I was 19.  I miss her so much.  I really need her.  When I think about what a hole I have in my life without my mother, I think of my kids, and I never want them to experience that kind of emptiness.

Because of this, I take my meds, take a nap, wake up, take a shower, put on my Fernando Valenzuela jersey, (because thinking about the Dodgers makes me smile), and try to keep going for those who need to me to keep going.  I think I'll take another nap and try to take a walk to the store for a peppermint patty.

Take care lupies.

LupieKat